The Box that Tells you What you Want to Hear
One day in an ancient kingdom, a group of wizards made a box that tells you what you want to hear. Once they had created it, they asked the box three questions.
”Do you answer questions truthfully?” asked the wizards.
“Yes,” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“Do you always know the answer, even to questions where the answer is unknown by all humankind, or is paradoxical in its nature?”
“Yes,” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“Do you ever lie, or speak untrue things?”
“No,” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
The wizards were overjoyed at what they had achieved. They quickly dismissed their acolytes and scholars. All their time and resources shifted to learning the secrets of the universe entirely through the box. Pretty soon they stopped taking social calls or seeing visitors, and people began to worry.
Months later, the wizards emerged, and proclaimed that the box had given them a divine revelation. All the world was composed of knowledge, he who had the knowledge had the divine right to rule. They, the wizards who’d peered into the very depths of the universe, and plumed its darkest secrets, would usher the world into a new golden age of technocratic enlightenment. Also they had the right to fuck anyone’s wife if they wanted, wizard’s privilege and all that.
The King responded to this proclamation by rounding up and executing the wizards, as well as the small cadre of supporters they had amassed. People were quite put off by the affair but given the wizard’s general lack of hygiene and penchant for adultery, most saw it as no real loss. Deep within the wizards’ ruined tower, the king discovered The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“Am I a strong king?” asked the King.
“Yes, of course you are” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“Are there any kings in other nations that are stronger than I?”
“Yes of course, but you can still defeat them. It is only a matter of possessing a stronger will” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“And do I possess a stronger will?”
“Of course you do,” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
After wrapping up the persecution of the Wizards, the King initiated a purge of most of his advisors and senior staff. He announced a new all-encompassing political philosophy that would guide his kingdom. All the world was governed by strength, said the king, and he who had the greatest strength had the divine right to rule the world. Through military might and shear strength of will, he would conquer the entire continent. Then reconstitute the ancient empire which once ruled these lands, with this kingdom’s people as the ruling class, and their king as its divine empire.
Through the institution of brutal oppression against his own people, and naked aggression against the neighboring kingdoms, the King began to build his empire. The king proclaimed that this was the beginning of a thousand year dynasty. But it only lasted about three years until a coalition of his neighbors violently thrashed his armies, laid waste to his industrial centers, and marched on his capital city. As the coalition forces amassed outside the gates, the King leapt from the high tower in a bid to end his life. Unfortunately he landed safely on a hay cart, but the people on the street were able to help their king, by beating him to death with their bare hands.
As the cityfolk picked through the empty castle of the deposed King, a Merchant stumbled upon The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“Am I a smart person?” asked the Merchant.
“The smartest. You’re always right about everything. In fact anyone who disagrees with you is only doing so because they’re jealous. That’s also why they’ve secretly told every woman you’ve ever met to pretend not to like you. It’s all a plot to keep you down” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“I’ve always known it. I’ll show them” said the Merchant.
“Of course, after all you don’t need anyone else. Friends just invite weakness and bisexual thoughts, it’s best to treat every man as an enemy and plot their demise” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
As the kingdom rebuilt from the death of the old king, the Merchant arose as the most powerful captain of industry in the entire kingdom. Through shrewd arrangements and aggressive dealmaking, he amassed a huge fortune from ventures in farming and timber cutting, and soon he was even more powerful than the post-war provisional government. He grew his fortune even more by selling a self-help course on how he achieved his success. All the world is a zero-sum game, said the course. It is either eat or get eaten, and the hungriest person always wins. Notably, no one who bought this course ever achieved the Merchant’s success.
Over the course of the next decade, the kingdom’s forests were stripped bare, and its farming soil depleted of nutrients. Food stores dwindled, wind howled across the former forests, and desiccated topsoil began to blow in the wind like desert sand. The people, more destitute and desperate than ever, set about deposing the Merchant and the provisional government that apologized for him. Even mercenaries were not enough to protect the merchant from the mob, who torched his estates and impaled him upon their pikes. Picking through his many treasures, a Rebel Peasant stumbled upon The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“Aye, what’s this bauble?” asked the Rebel Peasant.
“I’m an automatic orgasm machine. Any appendage, any orifice, stick them inside me and I’ll make you scream in an instant. I also dispense gold coins with every use, I have an unlimited amount of them you see” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“Ye playin’ me for a fool? Yer smooth on all sides! There’s not an opening anywhere on ye!”
“Well it’s what you wanted to hear” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
The Rebel Peasant smashed The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear against the wall. This was the end of the kingdom’s problems for a significant amount of time.
This was a short story I pumped out in a day or so. A simple, short project but I’m very proud of it. You can also view it on my Tumblr here.