One day in an ancient and peaceful kingdom, a group of wizards made a box that tells you what you want to hear. Once they had created it, they asked the box three questions.
”Do you answer questions truthfully?” asked the wizards.
“Yes,” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“Do you always know the answer, even to questions where the answer is unknown by all humankind, or is paradoxical in its nature?”
“Yes,” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“Do you ever lie, or speak untrue things?”
“No,” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
The wizards were overjoyed at what they had achieved. They quickly dismissed their acolytes and scholars. All their efforts shifted to learning the secrets of the universe entirely through the box. Pretty soon, they stopped taking social calls or seeing visitors, and people began to worry.
Months later, the wizards emerged, and proclaimed that the box had given them a divine revelation. All the world was composed of knowledge, he who possessed the most knowledge had the divine right to rule. They, the wizards, had peered into the very depths of the universe, and plumed its darkest secrets, and they, the wizards, would usher the world into a new golden age of technocratic enlightenment. Also they had the right to fuck everyone’s wives, wizard’s privilege and all that.
The King responded to this proclamation by rounding up the wizards, as well as the small cadre of supporters they had amassed, and executing every single one. People were quite put off by the whole affair, but given the wizard’s general lack of hygiene and penchant for adultery, most agreed that noting of value was lost.
With the wizards disposed of, the King and a crack team of knights ventured into the wizards’ ruined tower, to ensure no dangerous constructs remained. In the tower’s highest room, the king discovered The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear, and decided to see if it was as wise as the Wizards claimed.
“Am I a strong king?” asked the King.
“Yes, of course you are” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“Are there any kings in other nations that are stronger than I?”
“Yes of course, but you can still defeat them. It is only a matter of possessing a stronger will” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“And do I possess a stronger will?”
“Of course you do,” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
After destroying the rest of the tower’s contents, the King initiated a purge of his advisors and senior staff. He announced a new all-encompassing political philosophy that would guide his kingdom. All the world was governed by strength, said the king, and he who had the greatest strength had the divine right to rule the world. Through military might and shear power of will, he would conquer the entire continent. Then with the spoils of this righteous crusade, reconstitute the prehistoric empire which once ruled these lands, with him as its divine emperor.
The King began to build his empire through the brutal oppression of his own people, and naked aggression against the neighboring kingdoms. The king proclaimed that this was the beginning of a thousand year dynasty. But in reality it only lasted about three years. A coalition of his neighbors arose, violently thrashed his armies, laid waste to his industrial centers, and marched on his capital city. But even as the Coalition forces battered down the walls of his castle, the King had one last plan to avoid falling into the clutches. In a last act of defiance, he wrapped himself in his kingdom’s flag, and leapt from the Castle’s highest tower. Unfortunately he landed safely on a hay cart in the middle of a crowd of Coalition soldiers.
The Coalition made a big show of trying and executing the tyrant king, to the cheers and hurrahs of his beleaguered people. The Coalition placed a republic of the former kings’ aids and advisors in charge, and withdrew. The castle was left as a ghostly wreck, a monument to the king’s recent tyranny. Over time thieves and adventurers snuck into the wreck, looking for treasure. Venturing into the deepest bunker of the castle’s inner keep, an aspiring Merchant stumbled upon The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“Am I a smart person?” asked the Merchant.
“Yes of course” said the Box that Tells you What you Want to Hear, “You posses a unique intellect, so rare that it is practically unheard of.”
“Is there anyone in the world smarter than me?” asked the Merchant.
“No” Said the Box that Tells you What you want to Hear “In fact your intellect is so far beyond the average person that they’re hardly even human compared to you.”
“Then why does no one ever recognize my genius?” asked the Merchant.
“Pure jealousy” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear, “They’re intimidated and angry that you expose their inadequacy. You’re truly alone in this world, no one is your ally, but it hardly matters since you don’t need their help anyway.”
As the new Republic rebuilt from the tatters that the tyrant king had left it in, the Merchant arose as the most powerful captain of industry in the entire land. Through shrewd arrangements and aggressive deal-making, he amassed a huge fortune from ventures in farming and timber cutting, and soon he was even more powerful than the Republic government itself. He amassed even more wealth by selling a self-help course, teaching others how to achieve success like his. All the world is a zero-sum game, said the course. It is either eat or get eaten, and the hungriest person always wins. Notably, no one who bought this course ever achieved the success it advertised.
Over time, the kingdom’s forests were stripped bare, and its farming soil depleted of nutrients. Food stores dwindled, wind howled across the former forests, and desiccated topsoil blew into fearsome dust storms. The people, more destitute and desperate than ever, rose into great protesting mobs. They demanded that the Republic government be reformed, and the merchant, who the government was shielding, be punished for his crimes. The Republic government tried to clamp down on the protesters, but that only caused the mobs to swell with greater, angrier numbers. The Merchant, for a time, could count on his personal guard of mercenaries to protect him, but then he decided to cut their pay.
After the gruesome death of the Merchant at the hands of his own guards, the Republic government caved to the protestor’s demands. They enacted sweeping reforms and powerful safeguards against corruption. The merchant’s richest were left up to whoever could claim them, and destitute citizens set about scavenging every penny they could. Picking through his many treasures, one Rebel Peasant stumbled upon The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“Aye, what’s this bauble?” asked the Rebel Peasant.
“I’m an automatic auto-stimulating orgasm machine. Any appendage, any orifice, stick them inside me and I’ll have you convulsing in no time flat. I also dispense gold coins with every use, I have an unlimited amount of them you see” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
“Ye playin’ me for a fool? Yer smooth on all sides! There’s not an opening anywhere on ye!”
“Well it’s what you wanted to hear” said The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear.
The Rebel Peasant smashed The Box That Tells You What You Want to Hear against the wall, which marked the end of the kingdom’s problems for a significant amount of time.